When is it Time for Marriage Counseling/Relationship Counseling

BY: MELANIE SZUCS MA, LLMFT, LPC

When Is It Time for Relationship Counseling?

Perhaps you know a couple who has attended relationship counseling. Did it “work” for them? Or did their relationship end? Perhaps you’ve seen a movie where the main couple attends counseling and has homework assignments or spends a lot of time screaming at each other in front of a therapist. Whatever you may have seen or heard, I’m guessing most of your associations with relationship counseling are negative. It’s just for people who are really in crisis. It’s just for people who can’t get it together. False! 

Relationship counseling can be beneficial to ANY relationship, at ANY point in the relationship. None of us is born knowing how to be in a relationship. We might have certain instincts to fit in with a group, or desires not to be alone. But actually being intimate with other human beings over long periods of time? That doesn’t just happen. So how do you know when the time is right for you and your partner or partners to attend relationship counseling? 

If it’s a Problem for One Person, it’s a Problem for the Relationship

A relationship is co-created by all parties within that relationship and will suffer if one party is suffering. Thus, if your partner states they have concerns, it is time to seek out relationship counseling. 

All partners do not have to be fully on board to begin attending sessions. So if you’re not sure, or you feel weird about going, that’s ok! It is not uncommon for one partner to be hesitant to attend counseling. While it does help if everyone in the relationship is ready to engage, it is not a requirement. This will be a new and different experience. It is normal to be uncomfortable. 

You Want to Check-in

Maybe you’ve noticed that you’ve drifted apart some, or haven’t been connecting in the same ways and want to have a third-party give feedback. Relationship counseling can be brief, or can last months. It all depends on the needs of the relationship. 

If you noticed a weird lump on your arm, or you had a cold for 5 weeks, you would probably go check-in with your doctor. In the same way, if your relationship has a weird lump, go check-in with a relationship counselor. 

You Spend Most of Your Individual Counseling Sessions Talking About Your Partner(s)

While it is perfectly healthy and normal to discuss your partner(s) in your individual sessions, if the majority of the focus is not on you, then it is likely that there are deeper relational issues at work that can only be addressed in relationship counseling. It is not a problem to continue your individual work while doing relationship work as well. Ask your individual therapist--they will likely have recommendations for good relationship counselors! 

Counseling Can Also Be Preventative

My hope is that relationship counseling will be seen as a preventative measure, rather than as triage in a crisis. Imagine going to relationship counseling annually, as one does with a physician. That speaks to the commitment to the relationship, and acknowledges that all relationships require work, especially as those within the relationship grow and change over time. 

You could also consider going to relationship counseling before making a serious commitment to each other. What if you could learn tools and ways of talking to or relating to each other that would prevent the deterioration of the relationship? 

Still Not Sure? 

You could also check with relationship counseling therapists to schedule a brief phone consultation. Many therapists are happy to answer questions or help you decide if relationship counseling would be a good fit. 

Even if you’re not considering couples counseling right now, why not have a conversation with your partner(s) about how you would know when you should attend relationship counseling? That way you are all in agreement about the signs to look for, and can bring it up without fear or awkwardness. At the end of the day, only you can decide when is right for you to attend relationship counseling. But if you have considered it, it’s probably the right time. 

If you have other questions or want to have a conversation to see if relationship counseling is a good fit for you, feel free to reach out to me at melanie@mindfulcounselinggr.com or at 616-710-1466