Are You Actually Listening?
How often have we heard this before:
“You never listen to me.”
“Have you ever listened to yourself?”
“It feels like I am talking to a wall!
”The act of listening, on the surface level, feels like a very easy, almost natural thing to do. While listening, we stop talking, we open our ears, and we allow sound, no matter what sound, to affect our thoughts and feelings. We often treat listening as an involuntary act, something we just “do.”
Why is it then, that we are sometimes accused of not listening?
Listening is more than hearing.
In communication with others, listening calls on us to focus on the present moment and to put forth effort into understanding the person talking to us. When another person speaks to us, it is an attempt to grow in a relationship, whether good or bad.
In couples therapy, I often listen to each partner talk to one another. The “listening” partner tends to disregard what was said by the “speaking” partner and then talks back at them. I often pause the dialogue and point out what I am observing. When we listen to understand, rather than to react, we change our demeanor and become more inviting. When we listen to understand, we create a growing environment for our relationship with the person(s) in front of us.
This sounds easy, but when you think about the number of times you are asked to listen throughout the day, it can become a daunting task. I have found that reframing the goal of listening has been helpful for me. Instead of seeing listening as a service to others, I try to view it as a way to personally grow and gain knowledge.
Putting forth the effort to stay present and engaged with who you are listening to, opens the door to gaining insight into their life, their behavior, and their emotions. Having this knowledge and the unique perspectives brought on through that knowledge, supports an authentic relationship, producing the opportunity to grow a relationship in a healthy way. I have seen relationships change in an instant when two partners choose to actively listen to the other. Nonverbal communication, like body language, frequently shows me that these moments are some of the first times they have truly been heard.
Not only does listening help grow relationships with others, but it also cultivates growth for the relationships with ourselves. Truthfully, how much time do we give to ourselves to firmly hear our own thoughts? Our society often encourages us to drown out any silence in our lives (i.e. using our phones, watching television, reading books, etc.). When was the last time you can honestly say that you held space for yourself to better understand your current feelings? It can be hard to understand ourselves, sometimes because we may not even want to! Our true thoughts can come as a shock to us, however, listening to our authentic selves and putting effort into understanding ourselves and our thoughts paves the way for peace and love.
Listening is a powerful tool that, as humans, truly separates us from all other living things. The power that comes with being present and intentionally listening to understand others and ourselves, is unmatched. The amount of genuine effort you put towards mindfully listening can radically change the relationships you have in life and support any future relationships that have yet to form.